In My Next Life….

….that’s my mantra.  It has been for some years now.

In my next life….

I will….

…be a better parent…a better friend, a better wife…a better daughter…a better sister…sing like Celine Dion…play an instrument…speak a foreign language fluently….

You get the drift.

So today I’ll add….be NOT afraid of all things creepy-crawly.

Be forewarned that what follows is probably TMI (too much information) but it’s your entertainment for today.

Saturday morning in the wee hours–precisely 2:45 a.m.–the author of this posting (that would be me) had to visit the bathroom.  With barely an eye open I’m on the toilet but before I can get started (if you know what I mean) I hear a scratching noise.  It’s loud enough to wake me up.  I cock my ear towards the sound which at first I took to be in the walls.  The sound is like mice…or larger varmints….skittering about and chewing at the wood in the walls. Now, that’s fairly loud…don’t you think?  Of course, I’m fully awake now.  I’m sitting on the pot thinking: damn….we just plunked down $1500 to get that front eve portion of the roof fixed to close up the gap where wildlife can just drop in and make themselves comfortable in our home any ol time they choose. 

The continual scratching noises are distracting me enough to abandon the whole toilet visit.  I’m now trying to follow the noise, knocking on the wall in a foolish attempt to scare the critter(s).  The noise continues.  Now that IS strange!  I don’t know what prompted me to look up but look up I did.

Holy Shit!!  (pardon the french).

THE THING's antennae sticking out of the vent.

THE THING’s antennae sticking out of the vent.

Out of the fan vent there were two LONG antennae sticking out of it moving back and forth in the typical reconnaissance fashion of an insect (OK…cut me some slack…I’ve no idea how to describe what insects do but I am fairly certain it was looking for something….a way out perhaps?).  So the creepy gnawing sound was coming from the vent.  Oh my God, I thought in panic.

I roust my dead-to-the-world husband out of bed, dragging him into the bathroom.  I’m pointing at the fan vent and I’m almost incoherent.  “What the hell is that?” I sputter.  It’s got to be a monster of an insect with all the noise that its making.  And it’s a rooting noise not a buzzing sound!   Husband scratched his head saying “wow…I’ve got no idea.”  He turned the fan on to see if THE THING would get sucked up or somehow chewed up in the fan blades.  Nope.  Antennae still moving all over the place.

Then hubby went back to bed.

Really?  You’re going to bed?  You’re leaving me like this?

Determined to resolve this crises…I went to the laundry room to get the bottle of Raid and then I got the step stool from the kitchen.  Poodle was also now awake and clearly perplexed at the deviation from routine.   I tried to spray the Raid into the vent but couldn’t quite reach; spray was dripping down the wall and from the ceiling.  Yikes.   THE THING was still moving.

Hubby calls me back to bed saying we’ll address it in the morning…he promises.  He holds me and says lovingly to get some sleep and it’s going to be all right.  Uh huh.  I close my eyes and for the life of me I could not get the image of those long antennae out of my mind.  I tried conjuring up images of Tom Selleck….I tried to drown out the image via soothing music on Spotify…or going through the list of chores that I had to do during the upcoming week.  Nothing worked.  I may have dozed for an hour.

Of course the first thing I did upon waking was inspect the vent.  The antennae are still clearly visible, sticking out of the vent and moving!   Argh!!!    Later, after a long walk with hubby and poodle, hubby is ready to save his damsel in distress.  He’s going to pull the vent cover off and see what lurks behind it.  I tell him that there may be lots of creepy-crawlies and in hopeful anticipation that THE THING falls out he should have glasses or goggles on to protect his eyes.  So, my knight in shining armor dons a hat, his swim goggles and puts on rubber gloves.  He climbs the small ladder and begins to pull off the vent.  Despite being a basket case, I’m helpful enough to have my weapon of choice at the ready….the vacuum cleaner.  In my “make my day” stance, I’m poised to suck up whatever falls to the ground.

My knight in shining armor!

My knight in shining armor!

THE THING

THE THING

Hubby pulls off the vent cover and sees THE THING.  “Its clearly dying” hubby says.  The small amount of Raid that made it to the vent cover must have done the trick.  “Wow,” says hubby.  “Those antennae sure are long for such a relatively small insect.”  He marveled too that THE THING had made so much noise rooting around–giving the impression that it was a monster sized insect and wondered how it even got into the fan vent in the first place.

We think it’s a palmetto bug…but we are not sure.  Hubby suggests bagging THE THING so that the pest control dude can tell us what kind of insect it is and therefore spray accordingly.

I look at my husband with grateful relief knowing that this insect ordeal is over.  THE THING is out of the vent.  I tell him I love him.   He gives me a big hug and then raises his arms in victory; “I have slayed the dragon for my Queen.”  I got a laugh out of that.  Yes indeed, he is my knight and he has saved me, once again.

….And this morning….

as I walked out my door to take poodle on his morning walk, I see this huge moth just steps off the door.  He is held hostage by a spider’s web.   Oh my!!   I rush to tell hubby who is preparing to leave for work so that he can see it.  Then I rush into the house to grab the camera.  As I snap the shot I’m thinking that maybe I have–just for this moment in time–evolved.  Instead of running in the opposite direction, I’m running for the camera.   IMG_0322

In my next life….

I’ll like insects.

OK….maybe not like, but tolerate.

Maybe.