I’ve been back in middle-earth-land for a week. I needed time in my own bed….in my own abode….even for a few days. It’s been quiet and lovely. I’ve caught up with friends, read some, and cleared (mostly) a bunch of DVR recordings. I’ve also shredded most of my life. Letters and cards, obsolete paperwork, email communications that I had printed a gazillion moons ago, and old legal correspondence too.
As I leafed through stacks of stuff I had pulled from plastic bins and file folders—the good, bad and the ugly stuff—my heart was heavy. Sure, there were happy sentiments amongst it all which brought tears to my eyes, like cards from my children with smiley faces, Crayola-colored hearts, and “I love you Mommy” written in that quirky penmanship so characteristic of little ones. But there was ugliness too: Words on paper that cut deeper than any blade could…baggage much too heavy to carry….all thrown into plastic bins, saving them….for God knows what?
Why have I been holding on to all this negative shit for so long?
I can’t tell you how many times the shredder shut down because it was over-heated. But now the deed has been done. Years worth of my life shredded to itty-bitty bits. Cathartic? Yes, to a degree. The words and sentiments of some of those shredded pieces of paper are still with me, stinging…hurting, perhaps until I take my last breath. Fear not though…. as always, I’m a work- in-progress on that. Shredding was a huge step, wouldn’t you agree? Truthfully…I feel lighter already! I think of a saying by the 13th century Persian poet and mystic, Rumi, that I happened to read just the other day:
To arrive at clear water, one must first shovel through mud.
So peeps, It’s been raining steadily since the wee hours of the morning. Though we are far north of the state we are catching some of the wicked weather system that has already claimed the life of a young boy on the short strip of Alabama coastline. In the words of American Clergyman John Shelby Spong, “Mother Nature is not sweet.”
Tomorrow we head back to our temporary living arrangement as we continue to wait for this house to sell. We will have eleven hours in the car to contemplate everything and nothing. And yes… I’ll be blissfully happy to see my four-legged love….among other things.