Posted on July 19, 2018
Kind readers, Parenthood 2.0 hasn’t been all that swell. Actually, It’s been an abysmal flop. I had hopes, though not high nor lofty….just hopes, that the second time at it, so to speak, would work out better…smoother. Alas, that was pie-in-the-sky dreaming.
Ten months ago my son showed up on my doorstep, penniless and homeless. I told him to come, of course, when the call came from out of the blue. I can remember that night as if it were yesterday. After the call I had a hundred things swirling around in my head. A do-over might be just the thing to break the estrangement …one that he initiated, I might add.
He rolled in around midnight looking nothing like the son I saw some four years prior. He said “Hi Mom. I’m tired….I need to sleep.” Not even ten minutes later he was in the basement. It’s been his cocoon since.
My bullet point plan to help him get back on track has been met with both stubborn resistance and absolute refusal every step of the way from day one of his arrival. What was I thinking? I should have known I could never break through, after all he’ll be 36 once summer is over.
It is what it is now.
I seethe that his father enabled him financially for fifteen years. His idea of showing love was not to get down into the trenches but to throw money from afar. If our son would have been forced to fall on his face at 21 it would have been much easier to break bad habits, form new ones, LISTEN to sage advice, LEARN from mistakes…and so on and so forth. In other words….GROW UP.
Of course that is just my humble opinion. But, what do I know? I’m just the mom.
I’m split into: one part of me knows unequivocally that I did everything in my power. But the other part of me? I feel like a complete failure.
I’m done, inside and out.
Once again I am showing him the door.
Once again he is nowhere near a path that will help him flourish…
My heart aches.
Tears dot my cheeks as I listen to music by Ludovico Einaudi.
Blue thoughts swirl around me as his soulful, contemplative notes linger in the afternoon air…
…Will I ever be able to sleep without profound worry again?
Let it go! ….says a voice from somewhere.
Yes. It’s all I can do in this moment.
Do I dare continue to have hope for him?
Of course I do. I will go to my grave taking hope with me…
I’m the mom.
My Love is infinite…To the moon and back and beyond…for both my son and daughter.
I’m reminded of a Tweet just this morning from the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh
Nourish Yourself: The Buddha advises us to create the feeling of joy and happiness in order to nourish ourselves before we deal with the painful feelings.
I like that sentiment. It’s just what I need now.
I think a walk with The Poodle is in order….
then perhaps a dip in the neighborhood pool.
Nothing like water –whether it’s from a swimming pool or the ocean–to wash the blues away.
There is bliss in that.